p2k9

ETA: For those of you outside Indo who are curious as to what is causing all the havoc (and whether it's WORTH the havoc at all), feel free to read these samples of my LJ/blog entries. Whether (a) I am in fact 'suited' for persecution, OR (b) my bullies are just really judgemental/narrow-minded bigots with a tendency to overreact, YOU DECIDE FOR YOURSELF! I trust you have brains and common sense [and hopefully a reasonable amount of sanity].

ETA2: To take the decision to the next level, I've decided to cancel P2K9 (hence this blog is pointless--except for my own archives). I'm replacing it with P2K20 (until the next Year of the Rat). It's a detailed, thorough plan involving:

• What field I want to work in (because you don't just repeatedly fail classes/go through the masochism of grad school FOR NOTHING and GET NOTHING OUT OF IT--it's not like I randomly picked what I chose to study.)
• Traveling/settling (synonymous to 'retaliation towards parents'--who are apparently not on 'my side'...)
• Saving for/finding my own place to live [as living under another person's roof means abiding by their rules], and
• ESPECIALLY Reuniting with 'FRIENDS' [my definition of 'friends': Decent people who I care about/like and have proven to be capable of accepting me for who I am and are genuine. This would mostly consist of friends from school that I got along/hung-out with, including around 20-ish open-minded Indonesians who are capable of having decent conversations with me--because when it comes to 'friends', it's not about QUANTITY, it's about QUALITY].

And... THAT'S GOOD-BYE. Thanks for stumbling into my public-anonymous blog (and coming back if this isn't your first time here--although I doubt that's the case. LOL).

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ETA3: If you're wondering how ignorant Indonesians are when it comes to matters of privacy, let me give you an example: The lawyer training organizers PUBLICIZED my contact details WITHOUT my consent (nor prior notification or an option on which email address/phone number I would prefer to be publicized if it were REALLY NECESSARY). READ: http://www.privacyinternational.org *shrugs* Thought they should've known better. You know, as lawyers and all. God save our legal system. Naturally, I confront them about the problem because I'm no coward (in a civilized manner, of course! Given my sanity and common sense). They apologized... Hopefully they'll think twice about it next time.

Pitiful legal system/scene (it's as if EVERYONE is an unexperienced rookie like myself--I just GRADUATED)... Loaded with people who can't even stick to the topic when you give them a chance to speak... Knew not to invest too much time/energy today--like a hunch [I knew the name rang a bell but I usually give people the benefit of the doubt/presume one to be innocent REGARDLESS of what OTHER lawyers have been saying about him behind his back... until the cancellation came through]. Hey, at least he didn't tell insensitive rape jokes... I'm not naming any names.

You see, when SANE people hear bad things about a particular person, they don't automatically make sneer comments/drop nasty hints. SANE people (who have brains and common sense), will ignore what nasty things people say about a person they don't personally know... until they annoy you/steal something from you/waste your time/injure you. Do. You. Under. Staaaaaand?

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http://p2k9.vox.com/library/post/evening-sun-the-strokes.html
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If you're from outside Indonesia (meaning this blog is public-anonymous to you), let me explain why this blog is what it is today [everything covered in a gigantic nutshell]:

• I made this blog for specific reasons, and from the very beginning intended it to be public-anonymous. A lot of the time I x-post to and from this account to my main LJ account [which is friends-only].
• I've mentioned this before, and I'll mention it again: When I was overseas (in Europe), I blogged in public too--but it never caused a problem (mainly because people just simply didn't care). Indos are NOSY.
  
• Apparently there have been some trust issues, either: (1) one of my friends was spreading my friends-only entries via a mailing list/newsletter/re-post it in a blog or website; or (2) one or more of the LJ accounts I've friended were fakes and they've been doing what I described on point number 1 or they've been using it collectively.
• All of my friends on my main LJ all know about my http://p2k9.vox.com and http://j-culture.livejournal.com accounts. When I x-post I usually censor certain names and certain places to protect the persons involved. Also, in my LJ, I let friends comment. While in my public-anonymous accounts, comments are disabled to avoid OL bullying.
• I have been blogging since 1999 and I love blogging.
  

1. In general these people in the list.
2. Recently: (a) ex-law students [whether they turned out to be lawyers or not]; (b) the group of people i've reincarnated out of; (c) random people who know the 2 previous groups.

1. After reading my [spread] LJ entries, random people who don't even know me personally (and have never directly spoken to me, neither do I even know their names) hint nasty things to me in lawyer training/indirectly inform me they've been reading my entries/make snarky comments, sometimes they sit near me and speak very loudly to make sure I can hear them. Sometimes they say nasty things when I pass by. When certain people say nasty things in publications, I can choose not to read them, but when they follow me around, all I feel is unavoidable pain. If I'm sitting at the waiting room, they'll stand there and speak extremely loud. If they have something to say, they can speak to me directly--in my face, don't be a bunch of fucking cowards.
2. They got GREEDY, although anyone who's read the spread entries of my LJ should already know about http://p2k9.vox.com and http://j-culture.livejournal.com, they still want the stolen versions, although only around 2% of them are censored and they don't alter any meanings. In addition to that, their GREEDINESS has got them thinking they also need to read all the comments I get/post on my LJ account. The problem with that is, it not only violates my right to privacy, it also violates my LJ friends' privacy. Some people will only post comments on friends-only entries because it limits who can read what the write. I don't want to hurt my friends.
3. Some guys took pictures of my mother and I when we were eating in Parijs van Java (which is a 2 hour ride on the freeway from Jakarta). I think it's stalking. They also informed my father and his friends about what I write.
4. People are extremely manipulative: People from my old environments always try to inform people from new environment about my blogs and about my background. Which means I can't make friends naturally. The people I meet aren't 'friends', they're manipulated. They don't get to know me the natural way, they know all about me before I know anything about them--and it;'s imbalanced. I've already described the feeling here: "The first 3 weeks of lawyer training were brilliant, I was making friends the normal way, very natural and clean. It was beautiful. Even thought about going on an outing/hanging-out together at some point after training was over. And now it's all ruined. The people from my old environment told them (found out all about them and contacted them) and there's a subtle difference in the way they treat you after they discover about you. They start talking about the things YOU WRITE in your blog and tell you less about themselves. When they do talk about themselves, they relate to something they've read about me. You kind of feel like there's a invisible thin layer over you and you feel a subtle difference at the way they treat you. It doesn't only put pressure on me, it puts a lot of pressure on everybody. I had no close friends in undergrad, I didn't date that much. It just never happened."
5. In fact, some manipulative people are so well connected they can tell employers in a certain fields about me. I've discovered that 2 of the interviews I've gotten, the interviewers knew about my background before they even met me in person. It's hurtful for my career. I deserve to be treated equally. Moreover, I don't want to work around manipulated people--they disgust me. They don't even know how hard it is to convince prejudiced people (not to mention some people have made of fuss about me being high maintenance just because I have heat/humidity intolerance? Regardless of the relevance it just hurts a person's career). Even found out some partners at certain big firms have been informed about me. I'm very disappointed that people would take such measures just to make sure others suffer.
   
6. Some of these people are judgmental self-righteous bigots: They call me names--everything I do in the from both extreme ends of the spectrum, from extreme negative, extreme positive to middle. Everything I say and do is wrong (think BIG MOUTHS with NO BRAIN, yeah...). From having a secret crush on someone, to my choice of career, to the way I spend my money, to the way I live my life and enjoy it, to the way I handle problems, to my personality, to calling me names and suggesting that if a company needs to do a cut, I should be the very first person to fire. There's no point in conforming/trying to get people's approval because it's no use. It's like a "presumption of guilt." And I've been assumed guilty for everything I do. Also, sometimes they get the wrong idea about me because they don't understand my English (it's easier for me to speak in English and not all of my friends online speak Bahasa Indonesia--I have the right to choose what language I want to use because I don't owe you anything and it's not my responsibility to ensure you understand as my blog entries are written for my own sake and does not affect your welfare in any way), but make assumptions of what they think I'm trying to say with a negative view of me intact and it results in verbal abuse. The verbal abuse is unbearable.
   
7. The only time someone spoke directly to me in lawyer training, it was a guy with a complete lack of self-control (and mentally unstable) who bashed me by yelling at me in front of the entire lawyer training class confronting me/accusing me of name-calling (although previously, he's been acting strange: when I moved seats away from him because I couldn't see the board, he muttered "sok jual mahal" which roughly means he's accusing me of playing hard to get although I wasn't attracted to him at all--that makes up two layers of irrationality in itself, simply illogical. And he's been trying to cover the board when I'm trying to take notes--what shocked me the most was this guy happened to be with the people who organized lawyer training, which is probably what made him think he was entitled to treat students any way he wanted--HOW VERY PROFESSIONAL!) The only two times I referred to him [in writing] was when I sent a mass mail to a group of people I knew I couldn't trust anyway--and I wouldn't be surprised if they spread the email--and in a public entry on GJ. I have never spoken to this guy, let alone call him names, and I didn't even know his name before the incident. What a nutcase. Naturally, in panic, English being a first language, I defend myself in English. He brings that up too and only leaves me alone after I yell, "Just admit you didn't understand a single word I just said." I'm so scared that I've been thinking of keeping pepper spray in my pocket in lawyer training class. It scares me that there are people like that in the Jakarta legal scene (how many percent of the Jakarta legal scene behave like this?). I hope I never meet him again at any level of my career. And I don't want to see him in lawyer training either. If he ever bothers/tries to speak to me again at lawyer training, I wish I could just quit attending lawyer training. It's full of bullies. The only reason I'm putting up with all the BS of lawyer training is because I want my license already and experience so I can do what I really want to do (did I mention the people who grin around, looking down on me when I pass by? How can you stand them? Disgusting pricks). My mother even warned me to be very careful about him because she thinks Nutcase is shameless and he would/could do anything meaning he might be dangerous (restraining order, anyone?). Lawyer training has left a bad taste in my mouth... It tastes the way your mouth tastes in the morning when you know it stinks.
   
8. I also have to deal with people who pretend like they're my friends but really talk shit about me behind my back. I've had friends from undergrad who were nice in the beginning but started to get sick of the attention I was getting and would make sneer comments. Now they've pretended to remain friends with me (because when I started avoiding them, people started asking questions and they want to keep their names clean.) But I still remember how much they like to gossip.
9. Some people will take extra measures to try to find out what I've been doing, and then they get attention for 'reporting' it. Some people are actually exploiting me and making money out of me. Write around what I do/copy what I've written myself and call themselves "creative workers". That's hilarious. I even sent them some of them an email telling them exactly what I thought. It hurts to feel like a objectified commodity.
   
10. In 2004, some people put Spyware/Keylogger in my computer. Exactly 10 days after I posted a hiatus message on my LJ accounts, my anti-virus detected a Trojan horse. I'm still trying to find out what it specifically does, for instance, whether it's meant to steal data and spy on my online activities like they did in 2004. If this is the case, I'll have to quit blogging altogether. I've already continued cross-posting my entries from my LJ to http://p2k9.vox.com and http://j-culture.livejournal.com after discovering that Jakartans already know who they belong to in hope that they would stop trying to steal directly from my friends-only LJ, but then it only resulted in stealing the comments. I've already tried to make it clear that if people stopped hinting nasty things/making snarky comments, I might start blogging again. But now there's an indication that they're trying to spy on my online activities. I don't know whether I'm still be capable of being nice to these people.
11. The stereotype of Indos is that they're "friendly" and "tolerant". But that only applies when they're dealing with foreigners. When they see a local girl (I'm Javanese-Chinese-Arabian with Indonesian cshitizenship) behaving in a nonconforming manner, they'll treat her with extreme discrimination. I've learned about this since I was very young: Local Balinese are only nice to non-Indos, but when I speak English (and they assume I'm Asian-American) they start treating me with respect but then charge me extra. At the same time, when I work for Indos, they treat me like trash. When I just moved to Indo when I was about 10, the other students teased me for not knowing how to speak Bahasa Indonesia and nobody cared to defend me because everyone was involved in objectifying and making fun of my language inability. When I stood up for myself, the bullying only got worst. And at the same time I remember a girl who had just moved to Michigan from Jakarta when I was in 3rd grade (she had no clue about English) and the school/teachers would take very special care of her and make sure she felt at home/accepted/integrated and they took time to teach her English. People don't know how much it hurts to be alienated among your "own" people. So my LJ/blog entries have long been judged by judgmental people. It hurts. I've been rejected by my "own" people. No wonder I hate them back.
12. I only trust 10% of the Indos I meet everyday. What kind of fucking life am I fucking living?
    
13. Sometimes I just want to fucking commit suicide.
    

• I've deleted a lot of suspicious LJ accounts (ones that never update and they're only friend is my LJ, are not explicitly clear who they belong to and they're supposed owners don't talk to me on the phone/via email). I used to have 175 friends, now there are only 94 left. Funny thing is, one day after I did the cut, someone completely new added me as a friend [how suspicious is that?].
• I've bought a custom-made offline journal. The picture's on my main Vox account. I love writing. I mainly blogged to relieve myself. I don't write for anyone except myself. And I don't owe anyone anything.
• I'm seriously considering bringing pepper spray to lawyer training.
• If restraining orders were available in our system, I would have asked for one a long time ago.
  

1. I want people to leave me alone. Read what they're meant to read (as in only read public entries if they're not my friend on a friends-only journal/filter). Stop stealing/spreading things that are meant for your/certain people's eyes only. Read http://p2k9.vox.com and http://j-culture.livejournal.com unless you're my LJ friend on my friends-only LJ account/filter, please.
   
2. I want people to stop hinting nasty things to me and making snarky comments (by speaking loudly, following me around, sitting near me to make sure I can hear whatever nasty thing you think you just need to say). If you have something to say, say it in my face, directly (with one condition: please be sane/mentally stable/have self-control and don't make things up to get attention by making a damn scene, just because you're an attention whore doesn't mean the person you're speaking to you is also an attention whore). Stop verbally abusing me.
3. Stop manipulating me by informing every single employer in every single field I try to get into.
   
4. Also, I don't need to know whether you've been reading my entries unless you're on my LJ friends-list/filters. I don't WANT to know and I don't NEED to know.

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